Having an exchange student live with you, 24 hours day, for months at a time, is a big adjustment. Obviously. But I hadn’t expected it to be this difficult. After all, it’s just one more kid. I basically swapped one for another when son #2 left for college. Sadly, I could not have been more wrong…..
When you have a baby, and the doctor lays this tiny creature on your chest for the very first time after being born, the love you feel for this new person is over-whelming. And it’s because of that love that you can excuse the excessive crying, explosive poops and constant lack of sleep. And as that child grows, and becomes a willful toddler, and eventually a mouthy teenager, you have those memories of how you felt when presented with your perfect little bundle of joy to help get you through trying times, without smacking said kid.
There is no such foundation with an undisciplined, willful Chinese exchange student.
Different families have different values, and each family attempts to raise their children to exemplify their personal, core values. While no kid is perfect and will always do exactly what you want, when you’re drumming into their heads specific expectations year after year, some of it eventually sinks in.
When you get a teenager, from another country, from another family, that is extremely wealthy and have never bothered teaching that kid the little things, like taking care of himself, it’s a while different story.
Think about the sleepover your child had with some of his/her friends. You know the children, have presumably interacted with them, and possibly their families before. You may like them, think they’re funny or sweet or interesting. But then you invite them to your home for a solid 24 hours. It’s then you start to see how different they really may be. Little quirks that you were never aware of. Behavior patterns that didn’t show up in a two-hour play date. That’s what hosting an exchange student is like. The realization that someone who has a very different life philosophy is now living with you. But for a sleep-over that lasts nine months.
I know I can’t change his core values. I know I can’t make him agree that America is great and putting the toilet seat down all of the time and eating with your mouth closed is the way of the world. But what I can change, is how he conducts himself in my home.
It’s been three months that he has been with us, and there are improvements. Slight.
He texted me at work, Pick up my friend Tom to play basketball.
My blood boils when he dictates orders to me, especially via text when I’m not in person to call him on it…… I decided to ignore that message, and about 30 seconds later, I get the follow-up text. Please. HA! It’s slowing sinking in.
His agent recently paid a visit to our home, to have a frank discussion with my husband and I, and Bill sat it on the meeting. I was very honest about his behavior, and our no-nonsense approach to correcting it. She, in front of Bill, thanked and congratulated us on our parenting techniques. She noticed a difference in Bill in just the six weeks since she has visited him.
I see that he speaks differently to me, that he doesn’t just make demands. She said in China, he was treated as a “little prince”. I could have called that one.
I asked Bill to tell her what I always say to him. He mumbled, please don’t bark out orders to me. Apparently I have a “catch phrase”, and he’s catching on!
Many people have asked me why I don’t send him back. Believe me, I’ve thought about it. I don’t think my daughter would miss him, and if I’m brutally honest, I would not miss him either.
But slowly, I know we are having a positive effect on this kid. I feel bad that he was sent off to boarding school at the age of 6, coming home only on weekends. While he does communicate with his family, it’s like he has not been raised. He drifts through life without purpose, and has zero social skills.
I went to the parent teacher conference with him because he was failing math, and his teachers say he’s scattered and disorganized. Turns out he’s playing games on his iPad during math, and hiding out in the bathrooms for 30 minutes at a time. No one has ever held him accountable for his behavior, or given him any sort of responsibility for anything. I can’t make him do well in school, but I can use my own kids as examples of what was expected of them, and he sees that they are doing well.
My husband routinely assigns him chores and tells him if you’re going to live here, you will help and be part of the family. He does those chores, sometimes grudgingly, honestly, like a teenager. The recent leaf raking incident was hilarious. He was assigned the front lawn to rake the leaves. He was shown how, given a rake and a lawn bag, and set to work on a beautiful, sunny day. He appeared in the house ten minutes later, saying he was finished. My husband, who was working in the backyard, inspected and could still not see the grass. Bill was bored and tired. My husband told him he wasn’t done, keep working.
Bill stood outside and stared at the rake. He pushed a few leaves around with his foot. He came in and got gloves. He asked when he could be done. He picked up a few handfuls. He found my husband again, and said he was done. He clearly wasn’t. This was the type of behavior our boys exhibited when they were four. Bill is almost 16. My husband told him he wasn’t finished until all the leaves were raked, and don’t come in until then.
Finally, he did it. He filled several bags, and even dragged them to the side of the house. He was praised for completing his chore, and doing it well. He seemed proud of himself.
He asked to allowed to push the lawnmower, which my husband let him. Bill insisted on having his picture taken.
These are the kinds of life lessons he has never known.
I feel bad for him.
If we can make it to June, the end of the school year, maybe when he leaves us, he will have some sort of positive foundation for the rest of his life. If he learns anything from us, I hope it’s that he can be self-sufficient and that taking responsibility for yourself is a good thing, and that manners go a long way to getting people to like you…….
It’s only six more months……..