Month: October 2016

From a very young age, we teach our children to make choices and decisions. When they are little, it’s do you want to wear the blue shoes or the black ones? Do you want to wear these leggings today or this skirt? When kids are given choices, when they actually think about what they might want, and we respect those choices, we are empowering them. Of course, mothers learn early on to only present choices they are comfortable with. When you ask open-ended questions, such as what do you want to wear to pre-school today? you quickly find out why you should only present options that are socially acceptable.

……….Or else you end up with a three-year old preschooler leaving the house in September, wearing a University of Kentucky long sleeve blue t-shirt paired with a red velvet vest left over from Christmas past that once belonged to his brother, several sizes too small. That was son #2. And he thought he looked swell.

Giving children these little victories as they grow helps them to become strong, decisive adults. And I’m not saying that when our kids reach the ripe old age of 15 (Bill’ age) they automatically are ready to be thrown into adulthood and have all the answers. As a mom of three, I know for a fact that isn’t the case. But hopefully, we have given them a strong foundation to ask questions, make decisions and reach conclusions.

We’ve found that could not be more opposite with Bill.

This may be a cultural thing, but when asked a direct question about most things, he is unable to answer.

We have established that he likes ice cream, a lot, even though his parents don’t want him eating cold things (the stomach cancer debate). If ice cream is presented as an option, he digs right in. But, if you ask him, would you like to go get some ice cream with us, he cannot answer. He mumbles, and shakes his head and refuses to look at us.

I have found this behavior to also be true when asking what he would like to do on the weekend, would he like to take the dog for a walk, what are the activities he does for fun back in China or what does he think of American politics.

It’s maddening.

I know he has an opinion, and we have constantly explained that there is not a right or wrong answer to any of these inquires. He was raised in an environment that does not promote free thinking or encourage opinions, and he seems unwilling to change.  He came to America to enjoy our way of life and get an American education, but he seems to need more encouragement in the “what are your thoughts on (fill in any subject) area” …… We would like to think we are chipping away at that little nugget.

I asked him what he wanted to do with his life after college and he said my parents haven’t told me what I want to do yet. Wow. I remember my daughter stating, quite emphatically when she was little, she wanted to be a cashier at Walmart. And my family has always chuckled, remembering that my brother wanted to be a trapeze artist when he was young. American toddlers have thoughts too.

But here’s the weird paradox.  He won’t answer a direct question with an opinion, but he has absolutely no trouble barking out demands. I want scrambled egg. I want you to drive me to basketball. I want warm water. It’s clear he is use to speaking to someone about his immediate needs being met the moment he desires something, possibly a housekeeper or nanny, but as I have been forced to point out to him on many occasions, I AM NOT YOUR SERVANT. Please stop barking out orders at me.

I’ve also witnessed this demanding behavior with his teachers. Anytime he emails a teacher or counselor, he has to cc me on the note. I see when he tells his math teacher, I did not turn in my homework, but you need to give me another sheet because you know I need more points, or I was too tired to finish reading last night and you gave me a low grade on the quiz, but now I will read it and you give me a higher grade.

These kinds of thing he can say – almost anything that requires an opinion, he can not.

We have been working with him, particularly my husband, about American ways. Freedom of speech. How everyone has the right to an opinion, and just because you don’t always share that opinion, it’s ok. You can still be friends, neighbors, relatives. My husband and I certainly don’t agree on a lot of things, and Bill has witnessed many of those disagreements. While I usually think I’m right, he can see that we can agree or disagree, then move on and still be friends. He seems baffled by this concept.

He doesn’t ask too many questions about American ways, but we do take every opportunity to try to give him the chance to voice this thoughts. I can’t very well give him options on his wardrobe, but we’re hoping he follows our lead and can start to realize there is a whole world out there for him to explore and question, and that whatever his opinion is, it certainly is fine to express.

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My opinion of good hygiene and my exchange students do not sync.

I think you should use soap when you wash your hands and take a shower.  He does not.

I think you should use a Kleenex to blow your nose. He had NEVER — USED ONE BEFORE! I quizzed him about runny noses in China, thinking perhaps they still used handkerchiefs, but no, he’s says not.  According to Bill, speaking on behalf of one billion Chinese citizens, No one uses anything like that. Wow.

The lack of Kleenex knowledge floored me. He comes from a wealthy family, is used to living in the city, and has been in America before. Yet he was perfectly fine with using his hand to wipe his nose like a toddler. In fact, he informed me he has never, in his life, blown his nose….. How is that even possible?

My husband was called upon yet again to explain and demonstrate how bodily functions are taken care of in America.

We noticed that he never smelled very “fresh”, even after bathing. I had an uncomfortable conversation about hygiene one day.

Bill, do you like the shampoo and soap I put in the shower for you?

Ahhhh, yea, it’s ok. I use a little from the tall bottle on my hair.

What about the soap?

Ahhhh, what is soap?

Turns out, he didn’t think he needed it. When I said he definitely did, he informed us he had his own, and didn’t want to share a bar with my daughter. Ok, so now I know  the soap in their shower had never been touched by both people who utilize that bathroom. My daughter would never touch something so basic as a plain bar of soap – she lavishes herself with Lush and Bath & Body Works products by the gallon. Fine. I put a second new, unused bar, in a little travel container for his own personal use, in the shower.  I’ve yet to be convinced the bar is getting any smaller.

This would be the Chinese soap he brought with him. Baby wash. He is a teenager – sweaty, smelly, oily. Seriously. Baby wash.

Hand-washing has become an other point of contention. Turning on the water and getting your fingers wet is not washing your hands. I insisted he use soap, EVERY TIME.  We later discovered he would wash his hands, and then use the toilet. According to him, problem solved…..

Another cleanliness discrepancy is when to bath. Bill thought when he played basketball, came home sweaty and that sweat dried, he was clean.  I did not. He has separate basketballs for indoor and outdoor. He can’t possibly use the indoor ball on the courts outside, and, in fact, keeps it in a grocery bag so it stays clean, yet thinks nothing of sitting his sweaty self on my furniture.

Ok, that may not be a cultural thing. I remember my son getting into the car after flag football and saying the same thing, he was dry now, so he was magically clean.  However, he was 8.  And ps, I made him go directly to the shower, after stripping off the disgusting, sweaty football clothes in the garage.  Same rules apply to all the kids in the house.

Bill doesn’t seem unwilling, just bewildered at our silly American ways. Why should it matter if I wipe my nose on my hand? Why do you care if I don’t wash my hands and then touch food in the kitchen?

He also doesn’t believe in germ theory. I had a small cold recently and he was concerned that my insides and conscience were out of sync.  The idea that coughing and sneezing can spread to other people isn’t something he can conceive.

We will all be getting flu shots this year.