From a very young age, we teach our children to make choices and decisions. When they are little, it’s do you want to wear the blue shoes or the black ones? Do you want to wear these leggings today or this skirt? When kids are given choices, when they actually think about what they might want, and we respect those choices, we are empowering them. Of course, mothers learn early on to only present choices they are comfortable with. When you ask open-ended questions, such as what do you want to wear to pre-school today? you quickly find out why you should only present options that are socially acceptable.
……….Or else you end up with a three-year old preschooler leaving the house in September, wearing a University of Kentucky long sleeve blue t-shirt paired with a red velvet vest left over from Christmas past that once belonged to his brother, several sizes too small. That was son #2. And he thought he looked swell.
Giving children these little victories as they grow helps them to become strong, decisive adults. And I’m not saying that when our kids reach the ripe old age of 15 (Bill’ age) they automatically are ready to be thrown into adulthood and have all the answers. As a mom of three, I know for a fact that isn’t the case. But hopefully, we have given them a strong foundation to ask questions, make decisions and reach conclusions.
We’ve found that could not be more opposite with Bill.
This may be a cultural thing, but when asked a direct question about most things, he is unable to answer.
We have established that he likes ice cream, a lot, even though his parents don’t want him eating cold things (the stomach cancer debate). If ice cream is presented as an option, he digs right in. But, if you ask him, would you like to go get some ice cream with us, he cannot answer. He mumbles, and shakes his head and refuses to look at us.
I have found this behavior to also be true when asking what he would like to do on the weekend, would he like to take the dog for a walk, what are the activities he does for fun back in China or what does he think of American politics.
It’s maddening.
I know he has an opinion, and we have constantly explained that there is not a right or wrong answer to any of these inquires. He was raised in an environment that does not promote free thinking or encourage opinions, and he seems unwilling to change. He came to America to enjoy our way of life and get an American education, but he seems to need more encouragement in the “what are your thoughts on (fill in any subject) area” …… We would like to think we are chipping away at that little nugget.
I asked him what he wanted to do with his life after college and he said my parents haven’t told me what I want to do yet. Wow. I remember my daughter stating, quite emphatically when she was little, she wanted to be a cashier at Walmart. And my family has always chuckled, remembering that my brother wanted to be a trapeze artist when he was young. American toddlers have thoughts too.
But here’s the weird paradox. He won’t answer a direct question with an opinion, but he has absolutely no trouble barking out demands. I want scrambled egg. I want you to drive me to basketball. I want warm water. It’s clear he is use to speaking to someone about his immediate needs being met the moment he desires something, possibly a housekeeper or nanny, but as I have been forced to point out to him on many occasions, I AM NOT YOUR SERVANT. Please stop barking out orders at me.
I’ve also witnessed this demanding behavior with his teachers. Anytime he emails a teacher or counselor, he has to cc me on the note. I see when he tells his math teacher, I did not turn in my homework, but you need to give me another sheet because you know I need more points, or I was too tired to finish reading last night and you gave me a low grade on the quiz, but now I will read it and you give me a higher grade.
These kinds of thing he can say – almost anything that requires an opinion, he can not.
We have been working with him, particularly my husband, about American ways. Freedom of speech. How everyone has the right to an opinion, and just because you don’t always share that opinion, it’s ok. You can still be friends, neighbors, relatives. My husband and I certainly don’t agree on a lot of things, and Bill has witnessed many of those disagreements. While I usually think I’m right, he can see that we can agree or disagree, then move on and still be friends. He seems baffled by this concept.
He doesn’t ask too many questions about American ways, but we do take every opportunity to try to give him the chance to voice this thoughts. I can’t very well give him options on his wardrobe, but we’re hoping he follows our lead and can start to realize there is a whole world out there for him to explore and question, and that whatever his opinion is, it certainly is fine to express.