I’m convinced most kids are assigned some sort of responsibility within each family, no matter what country they are from. It may range from emptying the trash in the kitchen, to mowing the lawn or folding a load of laundry. We teach our children to do things for themselves, so gradually, they become ready to fly the nest, and not starve or run around like wild, jungle people. I do admit, it takes some kids longer to learn how to live like a civilized human beings….. examples being fraternity houses and some college apartments.
We were told as part of this program, the kids are required to be part of the household. They should be assigned chores by the host families as they see fit, such as doing their own laundry and keeping their room clean. Following that criteria, I made a short list of expectations for Bill to follow. I did not honestly care if he made his bed or kept clothes off the floor of his room. I have 3 kids, and very realistic expectations of bedroom neatness. In fact, it took two days of picking up clothes and junk just to see the floor of #2 son’s room after he left for college.
After doing your own laundry, our short list of non-negotiable rules were in fact, pretty short.
Always lock the house when you leave
Always carry your key with you when you leave the house
Always put the toilet seat back down
The other biggie would eventually be Always turn off the gas stove when you are finished cooking, but at this point, he had not earned the responsibility of using the stove. The microwave, sure. The toaster oven, of course. But a live flame and an extremely forgetful kid do not make a good combination. If he were home alone, a sandwich or heated up soup or left-overs would have to do for a snack.
So we gave Bill a key to the house.
With much of the same fanfare as when we entrusted our own kids with a key to their home (they were probably 11 or 12 at that time), we presented him with the key, on a key ring, made sure he knew how to unlock the doors, and told him we trusted him to be responsible. I was playing fast and loose with that word: responsible.
Two days later, he did not have school. Since I worked until noon that day, he decided he would sleep in, then ride his bike to a nearby park to play basketball. He used Google Maps to find the park and showed me the route. He texted me the next day when he was leaving. Great!
I was meeting a friend for a quick lunch after work, and while driving in the complete opposite direction of the park he was supposed playing ball, I saw him riding his bike. I do not mind him going to a different park, but made a mental note to speak to him about telling us where he was going, in case of emergency, etc.
About twenty minutes later, I received the following texts from Bill. (It was a perfectly beautiful day to be outside)
My friend said I should have responded #laughing#……. It was 45 minutes outside on a sunny day.
And I’ll add that if my own kids had texted me such a snarky note, I definitely would not have answered so calmly and politely.
This exact situation happened with my older son when he was younger, and when I said he had to wait outside until I returned, he grudgingly did his homework on the patio for an hour. And he never forgot his key again.
When I drove up, a mere 40 minutes later, I found Bill sitting on the side of the house, next to the trash cans, playing on his IPad. When I asked him why he didn’t wait on the patio, in the nice backyard, he just said, I didn’t want to. Ok…. He said he didn’t like sitting outside. So I asked him if, from now on if he would remember his key every time he left the house. As grudgingly as my son, he mumbled yes, I suppose so.
Lesson learned. Hopefully.
Unfortunately, the lessons continued.
Twice, I have come home from work to find the front door wide open, Bill no where to be found. (Actually, he could always be found playing basketball at one park or another). Once, my daughter came home and the back door was propped open. We discovered that was intentional, just in case the dog wanted to go out.
Strike Two.
The toilet seat seems to be a real issue for him. He says basically he just doesn’t want to do it. He doesn’t have to do it in China. (For the hundred time, this isn’t China!). My daughter shares the bathroom with him and after a midnight round of falling in the bowl, has become reasonably irritated.
Bill is a smart kid. If he can used google maps to scout out parks in the area to play basketball, he can flip the seat back down.
The other morning, I asked him if he remembered to put the seat down and he said no. I asked to go back upstairs and fix that. You would have thought I asked him to dig a ditch and carry all the dirt to the street……. We had a conversation about consequences. When I suggested if he couldn’t follow the rules, he would not be allowed to play basketball, he was shocked. He said he has never, in his life, had a negative consequence because he did something wrong. That much was obvious.
Now I was shocked. He is an almost sixteen year old person. Ok, a person from an extremely wealthy family, with a maid and nanny, an only child, only son, who has been told he can do no wrong. Still, no consequences, ever??
Strike Three.
He will learn. He may be rich and spoiled, but my husband and I are determined. Good old American values and all. Responsibilities. This is not China.
This experience is proving much more difficult than I imagined.